A Screwed Up Situation

Last night my boyfriend and I went out for dinner to Crown Pizza. I ordered a Crown chicken fillet which was a chicken fillet coated in a lemon-oil sauce, served with salad and chips. It was a very nice meal although somewhat oily. The chips were just like what you would get at McDonalds. I think I will add a review for Crown Pizza.

Today I am at work. I work as a receptionist and it is rarely busy. Basically all I do is answer the phone, and today only six or so people have called so far. You could call this a slow day. But the good thing about this job, even though it doesn't pay very much, is that I can do whatever I like when I am not on the phone. I usually bring my laptop in to work or read. So far today I have played CSI: Miami, watched CSI, and significantly altered and updated my website as you may have noticed. Tonight I hope to go to the gym because I got a free two week pass out of a magazine, so I need to make the most of it. Not to mention the fact that I want to get fitter and lose a bit of weight, but hey, doesn't everyone.

I am suppose to be working tomorrow as well and am hoping that if I do work I will get off early because my boyfriend's mate is having a party in the Wodonga area that I wouldn't mind going to. So you might say I am kind of regretting offering to work every Saturday since that day is the one when most people plan to go out or have a party. It's not all bad though, by the end of next week I should know my timetable for university and will be able to alter my shifts at work. Yay. But I'll probably end up keeping Saturday since most other days I would be at university and I need the money to buy school books. Another thing, who prices school books at $130? That is what one of my criminal law books is going to cost me so I really do need to get as much work as I can. Damn those expensive books that are a necessity.

I have felt somewhat reluctant to include in my online diary any very emotional entries for fear of what people may think about my apparently unstable mental state. However, due to recent events I feel that it is important to express my view about a certain situation.

Over the past month I have been acting somewhat angrily towards my boyfriend and have failed to act in a fair manner for I felt that I was being plotted against. I've done some things recently that most people would not be proud to do and would be disgusted at, the things I have said to one particular person was very cruel, but at the time I really thought that they deserved it. Although my hatred towards this particular person has resided, I feel that I owe them an apology. I still do not particularly like this person but have treated them very unfairly when all that they appear to want is the friendship of my boyfriend and nothing else, though I am still not too sure about this matter, and my feelings for this person are very volatile to the actions they take, or at least what I perceive them to be doing.

And what I say next may sound a tad cruel, but here goes. Probably the main reason why I am sorry for what I did is because my boyfriend, though he made a mistake, has been trying to make it up to me by doing most things I ask, but I basically just threw it back in his face. And for this I am greatly sorry. This situation has nearly ruined our relationship and a recent encounter has helped me to see reason. I am sorry for what I wrote, not because at the time of the message in my mind I thought the person deserved it, but because now I have jeopardised my relationship with my boyfriend, and his relationship with one of his friends, however much I might dislike that friendship. It makes you think you know, when you are confronted in what appears a menacing way by your boyfriend to discuss something that I really don't believe was my fault. I mean, sure I was the one that sent that message, but before anything "happened" last year, I was nonchalant about him seeing the person. After the incident I have basically been paranoid, going over situations in my head that I thought they would be doing together, not trusting my boyfriend and thinking that all he will be doing is going to see the person and bonding together, enjoying each other's company and him not caring how it would affect me.

That is basically why my hatred towards this person escalated. I still feel this way on occasion, but since my boyfriend confronted me the other day, things have changed a bit. I know that he does not have feelings for her in that way, and I know that he really loves me, but it still doesn't change the fact that he is spending what I consider too much time with her. Although this time may not always be in the actual company of the person, they talk nearly every night on the internet or the person rings him or sms's him with stupid and unnecessary comments. And that pisses me off. Not to mention the fact that this person keeps buying him presents and making him lunch at school. Like she thinks that I'm such a bad girlfriend because I don't make him his bloody sandwiches everyday, I mean, it's the bloody 21st century, we don't do that anymore, if they are hungry they will feed themselves (well that's how many Australian women would perceive it, and no, not just the female activists among us).

So I may have elaborated about this person buying him presents all the time, but she has bought him jeans, tops, dvd's, candy, taken him out for dinner, so what the hell am I suppose to think! Her buttering him up like that fucking drives me mad. And this recent trip of his to Singapore with her. That was too much for me. I told him my feelings about it and he didn't care in the slightest or at least didn't appear to care. I mean, what would his girlfriend think about him going to Singapore with a girl who used to have a thing for him. It's just great, another little bonding session for them, that's what it was. Her taking photos of everything and probably putting a photo of my boyfriend on her bedside table so she can look at her "best friend" every night before she goes to sleep. That's what it seems anyway. And that she even considers him to be her best friend! That is very aggravating to say the least. I mean, she has other friends, but noooo, who spends the most time with her and makes her the happiest, it has to be my boyfriend. And although I know my boyfriend loves me it is still infuriating to think of them "enjoying each other's company".

That is why I have been acting the way I have lately. I was pissed off with the whole situation, the disregard for my feelings, and their bloody (I was going to say their fucking bonding session but I thought you would get the wrong idea) bonding session.

So there you have it, for you out there that don't know the situation, the above entry should be erased from your memory. Forgive my use of what may be unnecessary French words but I felt they were necessary to truly express what I was thinking and feeling (No stab at the French intended).